Staying Alive in Suburban Sydney

What is it with this country?

Is it not enough that we have the deadliest spiders, snakes, sharks, octopus and jellyfish in the world?

Oh, you didn't know about the octopus? Quick equation: 1 pissed off blue-ringed octopus = 15 dead men. Just as well their mouths/tentacles/body parts assigned to killing are not very large.

So the public service advertisement comes on:

If you get caught in a rip, SWIM PARALLEL TO THE BEACH.

I hear this at midnight on Christmas Day and no one's at the beach. It's late. It's cold. It's pissing down. [Whatever you hear about Australia's climate change scepticism, it's crap. This is supposed to be summer and I want a refund.]

And in any case, why would one be swimming at a beach? One sunbakes there. One paddles. One holds picnics and barbecues. One walks (or in fits of fitness, runs) along it. One can even choose to sink one's friend's 4WD in the shallows (ha!) of any readily available coastal waters [see Marooned 10 May 2008]. But what one does NOT do in the ocean is swim in it.

RADIO: IF YOU GET CAUGHT IN A RIP, DO NOT PANIC. SWIM PARALLEL TO THE BEACH. This public health announcement is brought to you by Telstra.

That'd be bloody right. Trust our largest Telecom to spend time and money on idiot advice about rips when what I really need advice on is how to stop Australian wildlife breezing into the house uninvited whenever it feels the need to get out of the hideous weather.

First there were the Ants. Thousands of the little suckers in well ordered lines marching off bread crumbs and other assorted items. Preferred food: mangos. Why then not go to Queensland where the things full off trees and lie rotting on the ground?

Then there were some grasshoppery things, which are not really a problem, except they have twice scared the bejeezus out of me by jumping on me late at night when it's been raining.

Because what happens when it rains? The bloody funnel web spiders come out is what. Because the holes in which they live fill up with water. Which doesn't actually kill them. Oh no. They can stay alive for up to two days in a swimming pool [yeah, these are things that are actually made to swim in unlike beaches] because they are covered with a kind of fur.

Oh don't worry Simone, I hear you say. Since the advent of the funnel web anti-venom no adult has actually died of a funnel web bite.

And I say in return: A student of mine was bitten by one and she was away for THREE MONTHS. In intensive care. But no she didn't die.

And what's the advice on the funnel web? Now that could be useful.

This is the pitiful extent of it:

Know what they look like.

Know the males go wandering around in warmer weather [that would be summer, or NOW] in search of a mate.

Know the males are five times more deadly than the females and they were usually the ones that caused deaths.

Don't wander around outside with no shoes on. Not even when you're putting a load of washing on (we have an outside laundry). Particularly dangerous since the little buggers LIKE water and I had a colleague who found one in her wash - after the cycle had finished. Alive.

And finally: Contrary to accepted belief, funnel web spiders don't jump. Although they may appear to rear themselves up just before they bite you.

Comforting.

So for your well-being I attach a photos of the funnel web:

A non-jumping funnel web spider. Rearing just before those fangs hit you. Who needs vampires when you live in Australia?

So you can see why I found the advice on sea swimming a tad irritating here in Sydney where there are nazi lifeguards reprimanding anyone swimming outside the flags via a very loud and embarrassing loud speaker system in any case.

Although I'd be a lot more irritated if I lived in Cairns. In Cairns, you cannot only not swim in the sea (poisonous jellyfish, seaweed and other assorted nightmares), you can't even sunbake there.

Me: How come?

Lisa: Crocodile issues.

Me: Silence. What is there to say?

Not all the visiting wildlife is dangerous though. Here's flattie, Chris, with a native Rainbow Lorikeet scoffing the bread Chris usually leaves out for our neighbourly Kurrawong (large black bird):





A lorikeet's preferred food is grevillea seeds - but we don't have a grevillea tree in our garden so they have to make do. It can be quite irritating if you do have a one though because a lorikeet's preferred eating style is to chomp off the whole seed/flower pod, chew a few of the yummier seeds, then spit the rest out and move to another - untouched seed pod... Nice. Here is one in the process:



And the preferred food of Simone this Christmas? Paula's glazed ham. This is SOOOO good. And if you can't be bothered glazing it, use the glaze as a condiment. YUUUUM! Here is the fabbola recipe.

Paula, Charles & the Christmas Feast. The glazed ham is on the far left.

Have a happy - and safe - Christmas & New Year holiday. There's all sorts of dangerous stuff that is better left where it belongs. Outside.

Much love,

Simone the Beleaguered