Bugger

Massive truck turns left from the middle roundabout lane, ploughing right into Simone who was exiting and SIGNALLING and had RIGHT OF WAY.

Or so you might think.

And you would be wrong because Give-Way Rules work completely differently here:

Rule #1: Some people are simply more important than other people. Especially some Qatari people. And most especially Qatari male people because Give-Way Rule #2 states that men should not have to wait for women who, in any properly run state (Saudi Arabia), would not be allowed to drive anyway.

An Aussie girlfriend was whingeing about this recently, and I was totally unsympathetic because she DRIVES A SAAB.

Give-Way Rule #3: Authority on the road correlates directly to the price of your car.

So you see that, as I hoon around in my gorgeous, girlie-green Kia Picanto, the only way I could possibly lower my Give-Way status is by becoming Philippina. This is unlikely to happen anytime soon, thankfully.

So one goes ahead and develops strategies to exit the roundabouts without being killed. More difficult than you'd think. Qatar has one of the highest road tolls in the world.

There is the Nursery Governess Strategy, which unfortunately only works on Indians. Look at recalcitrant driver. Frown severely. Shake head slowly. Nooooo... Nooooo... Bad boy. Go to Naughty Chair. Amazingly, recalcitrant driver has second thoughts and (inshallah) stops.

Pointed Finger Strategy: A variation on the frowning approach above, this method was developed by a mate for use on Arabs. Extend whole arm with one accusing finger pointing directly at recalcitrant driver in mock outrage. Tilt head down. Jab finger in direction of said driver several times. Wait for him to stop.

The only problem being that it doesn't work for me. I get the What-Is-Your-Problem Glare accompanied by the Majnoon Gesture. (Majnoon = Crazy. And let me tell you this gesture really does drive me crazy.) Bastards. Maybe you need to be a bloke to use this one (see Give Way Rule #2).

YMQ (Young Male Qatari) I-am-a-Missile Strategy: YMQ approaches roundabout at 150km. Simone sees YMQ. Simone depresses horn for considerable length of time. Simone gives YMQ her cheesiest smile and cheeriest wave. "Thank you so much for letting my pathetic cheap little car impede your triumphal progress."

The I-Have-Not-Seen-You Strategy is self explanatory, but unfortunately works both ways. Driver sitting on roundabout decides he hasn't seen my cheap little nasty car and drives out in front of me anyway.

This is how the Nepalese truckie brought me down.

He thought, "She's not Qatari."

He thought, "She's a woman."

He thought, "She's in a really cheap car and it's a LOT LOT LO-O-OT smaller than mine."

And so the bugger went right ahead and drove straight into the side of my car.

Immediately the impact was over and I realised I wasn't dead or even injured, the real horror of the situation struck me.

Alcohol.

I had just been out to lunch with the Gorgeous, Auspiciously Flamed Sushma and had two glasses of wine.

"So what's the problem?" I hear you thinking. "She'd be under .05, right?"

That IS the problem. Qatar has a zero-tolerance policy on drink-driving, and since it would be a crime for which I would be deported, it would also prevent me from ever getting work anywhere in the Gulf.

Shit.

Even on the Simone Stupidity Scale which consistently achieves exceptionally high levels of dumb, this behaviour was, truly, monumentally moronic.

Team Simone begins to rock up to the scene in record time however.

First two members arrive with three brands of tongue-numbing breath mints, water and Arabic-speaking skills.

Nepalese truckie calls Arab boss who turns up, removes the truck and driver (both against Qatari law) and proceeds to lie and lie and lie...

...to the traffic cops who say to me "You are very nervous." (No Shit) "You have full insurance? No worries. It is his mistake, insurance pays. It is your mistake, insurance pays. Relax."

Oh! To be able to take this advice!

Addendum: Mohammed Abbas tells me later that sometimes admitting to having full insurance means I pay regardless of whose fault it was, especially if the driver at fault is Qatari (see Give-Way Rule #1 above). And 'full insurance' can mean paying 30%. Thank god I didn't know this at the time.

But Team Simone has some Qatari male membership, and Aref turned up to wait for the 'real' police. The guys that decide who is, in fact, at fault.

Not me it turns out. And I am belatedly being completely sensible and not opening my mouth. Not to breath. Not to talk. Not to do ANYTHING.

And so I am not deported.

For now.

Much love,

Simone the (Temporarily) Sensible

PS: In case you're wondering how I will actually survive without the support of Mohammed Abbas, let me tell you that I have been wondering the same.

A solution may be at hand however. Mohammed is one of five brothers. Two are in Egypt with his mother and two are in Qatar with him.

My current negotiating strategy is this: Why does he need two brothers, and why does his elderly mother, ditto? How incredibly selfish is this? Surely one can be spared for opening a business in Oman, Abu Dhabi, Bahrain or wherever the hell I end up.

Negotiations are proceeding well, and I shall inform you of their outcome in due course.

S